Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
