My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
