About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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