Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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