I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
