fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
