i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
