I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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