The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
