I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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