we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
we're making bets on your personal life
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
