her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think my moral compass just broke
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