Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think people are normalizing furries
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
