YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
