Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
