Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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