Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
