I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
