My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Who died my cat blue again?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
