i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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