And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
