you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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