Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
