Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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