I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
