Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
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