who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
