Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
