I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
