big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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