She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She even gives head with a lisp.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
