hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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