Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
