On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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