Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
