i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
