So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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