Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
