Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
