True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
