Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
