I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I need to stop coming to work sober
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
