I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
