Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
