Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
