so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
