i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
