My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
