tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
