Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize