i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
