Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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