Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
