I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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