I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
