I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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