I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
