dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
