He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
