isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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